Ianto and The Face
by Suuntavaisto
Summary: The Face of Boe is a beast who lives above a village in a castle, can Ianto kill the creature using his intelligence, or will he fall in love? SO not adapted from The Beauty and The Beast story. Crack. Slash. Etc.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by the lovely Beauty and the Beast story written by DarkHeartKeyblade over in the Doctor Who section. This is basically that same story except set in the Torchwood fandom and therefore with much more kink and gay. Oh, and crack. Lots and lots of crack. Crackity, crackity, crack. I don't own Doctor Who, Torchwood or Frasier but if I did Tosh and Owen would still be alive, Richard Hammond would be lined up to play 11, but not for a few more years and Niles and Daphne would've gotten together way before they did. All I have to say then is:**

**Do not read this story if you do not like:**

**1. Slash**

**2. Crack**

**3. Slashy crack.**

**4. AU fics where members of fandoms are mixed with fairytales.**

**You have been warned.**

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**Scribble Number One  
In Which Ianto Does Some Stuff**

Once upon a time there was a castle upon a hill, overlooking a village. Inside lived a terrible monster who all the villagers were afraid of because he was a big head in a jar. Some people said he would eat you whole, others said that inside his jar was acid and he preferred to liquidise you and drink you like a milkshake. Anyway, it made people scared and nobody dared go up to the castle, not even the Avon ladies.

In the village lived a young man by the name of Ianto. He was the only Welsh boy there and so was looked down upon by the other villagers who had that ignorant view that he must be a sheep shagger. Ianto knew that that story only came about because in the days of yore it was illegal to steal sheep, but not to shag them, so if any Welshmen were caught stealing sheep they would claim to be shagging them and would therefore get off scot free. So whenever he caught the other villagers laughing at him, he would shrug and quirk an eyebrow at his own knowledge that made the villagers look stupid.

"If you're so smart." Said the villagers one day, after Ianto explained the story to them. "Then why don't you find a way to kill the big face monster man who lives in the castle on the hill?"

The Welshman frowned. "Well for one, his name is The Face of Boe."

The villagers looked confused.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Okay fine, whatever. I'll kill 'the big face monster man'."

He set off up the hill towards the castle, whistling 'Anything Goes' as he'd had it in his head since the night before. He considered going back for his iPod, but one look over his shoulder showed him that the villagers were watching his progress rather than doing all the usual villagery things that they normally do. He rolled his eyes again. "This is bullshit." He muttered quietly. "Bloody crack fics."

Eventually he made it to the front door of the castle, where a huge ornate knocker rested on the thick wood of the door. The large brass lions head carved onto the front of it sparkled in the sunlight. Ianto regarded it for a moment and then rang the doorbell.

"Ianto! NO!" A shout rang out from down the hill. Ianto turned to see Adam, running towards him. He muttered something unbelievably rude in Welsh under his breath and rolled his eyes.

"OH IANTO." Cried Adam, as he neared the Welshman. "Thou canst do this! Thou art my heart!" He dropped to his knees and placed a hand on his forehead, as if he was going to faint. Ianto had put up with this sort of behavior from Adam, who thought he was Gods gift to the lowly village, for the past six months. He found it hard to believe that no matter how many times he rejected the blonde man, Adam persisted in trying to get the Welshman into bed.

Ianto counted to five slowly in his head and then turned his attention back to the door. "Piss off Adam." He said simply.

Adam dropped the act and stood up slowly. "Ianto mate, you can't do this. Who am I going to marry if you get yourself eaten by Faceman?"

Faceman? Oh dear lord. "I don't know Adam, perhaps one of the other people you've been courting for the last six months?" Ianto replied, staring up at the door and wondering if he should ring the doorbell again. A thought suddenly struck him, how does a big face in a jar move around? In fact, how does a big face in a jar answer a door?!

"They don't mean anything to me!" Shouted Adam, backing away as Ianto turned to him. "They're not like you. Come back down Ianto! This is madness!" With that he gave a shriek and ran off down the hill. Ianto raised his eyebrow slightly and turned back to the door only to let out a cry of his own and fall over backwards in surprise.

The Face of Boe stared out from the open doorway, his giant features twisted into a snarl at the sight of the young Welshman sprawled on the floor. Ianto stood up slowly, brushing himself down. "Erm. Hello there!" He said brightly, after a moment. He ignored the glare that he was receiving, and squeezed himself past The Face of Boe into the house.

Ianto heard some mumbled cursing and then started in surprise as the entire jar twisted round so that The Face of Boe was facing him. "Holy shit, that was cool." He breathed in wonder. "How did you do that?"

"He didn't!" Shouted an indignant voice from somewhere near the floor. It amused Ianto a strangely large amount to see The Face of Boe roll his eyes. There was movement from behind the jar and out tottered a small ornate clock and a candlestick, both which had faces. Ianto screamed in horror for a few moments and then quietened down.

"Okay. Continue." He said simply.

"Hello! I'm The Doctor!" Said the clock, cheerfully.

"And i'm Niles Crane!" Piped up the candlestick. "And yes, before you ask. I'm well aware i'm completely in the wrong fandom."

Ianto nodded and knelt down beside them. "So you move the jar around?" He asked.

"Yes they do." Said The Face of Boe, he quirked an eyebrow. "You're not afraid of me."

Ianto quirked an eyebrow right back. "Why would I be?" He asked. "I've seen the Ocado food lorry delivering to your house. You don't eat people, you eat food from Sainsburys."

"The Welshman is ever so smart." Smirked a new voice. Ianto turned to see a brown teapot, sitting on a table. It hopped down and gave the group a wry grin. "Oops. Am I too late to move Boeface?"

The clock glared. "Now Master, we're supposed to work together on this." He snapped.

The teapot gave something that could only be described as a shrug and looked nonchalont. "I make the tea, I don't do hard labour."

The Face of Boe made an exasperated noise, effectively cutting off whatever retort the clock was going to reply with. "Pack it in, you two." He growled. "Always bloody arguing with each other."

"We're frustrated." Said the teapot, pointedly. "All this pent up energy and nowhere to release it."

"Oh go make some tea." Muttered the clock.

Ianto watched the scene with an open mouth, wondering whether he would've preferred to have just been eaten as he walked through the front door. The teapot and the clock wandered off down the corridor, still bickering with each other. "What in the hell is going on here?" He asked finally.

"Give us a push into that room over there, and i'll tell you." Said The Face of Boe.

Ianto pouted and rolled up his sleeves, straining against the jar to move it into the next room. He was pretty sure he'd sweated off all his puppy fat by the time they'd made it in there. He flopped onto a comfortable looking sofa in front of The Face of Boe and tried to catch his breath. "You're heavy." He panted.

"I never used to be." Said The Face of Boe sadly. "You see. I was once a wealthy American captain. I had a body and arms and legs. I was also extremely promiscuous."

Ianto raised an eyebrow.

"One day," Continued The Face of Boe. "I was confronted by a woman who claimed i'd slept with her daughter, and she was demanding that we get married. I, naturally, told her where she could shove THAT idea and then tried to get her to come to bed with me. What I didn't realise was that she was a witch, and she put a curse on me."

The Face of Boe paused to allow Ianto to react. "Gosh," Said Ianto.

"I know." Said The Face of Boe. "Anyhoo, to cut a long story short, she turned me into a big head in a jar and turned my friends into the clock and the candlestick."

"What about the teapot?" Asked Ianto.

"He's not my friend." Spat The Face of Boe. "But he was with The Doctor when he turned into a clock and so got caught up in the spell too."

"Shit." Said Ianto. "Is that it?"

The Face of Boe looked a bit sad. "No," He said mournfully. "There's a jar that contains a hand in this house. Every so often, one of the fingers will close. If I haven't fallen in love by the time the hand makes a fist, I will stay like a big head in a jar forever." He paused. "And I really don't want that. I need to pee so bad."

"Huh." Said Ianto.

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**If you _must _flame, then please be imaginative in it or I shall have The Face of Boe head butt you.  
Reviews/constructive criticism always welcome.**

In the next chapter: Tea! Romance! Exploration! Drama! Mystery! Naked Ianto! Etc!  



	2. Chapter 2

**So, if i'm honest with you, I posted this story before my exams with the intention of nobody reading it and me not having to write anymore. However, after a few lovely reviews I decided that once I got over my exam/results/uni prep burn out, I would have a go at writing a bit more. Unfortunately I wrote this much and then got completely and utterly blocked. I have an idea for what will happen next - just not the words to convey it. So please bare with me if you want to read more - i'm moving in a week and a half but I promise to write and fill you up with cracky goodness when I can.**

**Also, I lied at the bottom of the last page. Naked Ianto isn't until the next chapter.**

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**Chapter Two  
In which not a lot happens due to lack of imagination**

"What do you want, anyway?" Asked The Face of Boe, breaking the silence that had fallen around them. Ianto fiddled nervously with his tie, suddenly feeling a lot less confident now that he was in front of the big headed anti-hero of the story... Or was he, himself, the anti-hero? He was there to slaughter the "beast" after all. Although would that then make him the villain? Boe did seem rather nice after all. The villagers would probably think he was a hero, but in truth he wouldn't be and he would know it, the guilt tearing him up inside day after day because of the terrible deed he inflicted onto the gentle creature. He'd have to run away, start a new life where people didn't think he was a hero. He'd have to give himself a whole new identity, perhaps call himself Archie and be a simple yet amiable farmer who sold local produce to the community.

"Ianto?"

"I could get a dog and call it Bowzer." Mumbled Ianto, before snapping out of his thoughts. "Sorry, what?"

The Face of Boe looked at him strangely. "You were miles away then." He stated. "Metaphorically, of course."

Just then, the doors to the room they were sat in opened and the teapot hopped in. "I made you some tea." He smirked, "It's in the kitchen. Though just to warn you, it's been brewing in my belly so who knows what sort of nasty stuff has been absorbed into it."

Ianto paled slightly and cleared his throat. "I'd rather make myself a coffee, if that's alright." He looked towards The Face of Boe, who nodded. The teapot growled slightly as Ianto wandered past him to get to the kitchen.

"I'd rather make myself a coffee." It mimicked, loud enough for Boe to hear. "Idiot. Who drinks coffee when there's tea available. Honestly."

The Face of Boe rolled his eyes at the teapots behaviour. "I'd drink coffee." He stated.

"You'd drink shit." Retorted the teapot abruptly, before turning and hopping off towards the kitchen. He passed the candlestick who was humming a merry little tune and gave him a steely glare, "I still don't know how you managed to get caught up in this." Snapped The Master.

"Me neither," Trilled Niles Crane, the candlestick. "But who else was I going to be? Martha?" There was a pause and then both the the candlestick and the teapot burst into hysterical fits of laughter that went on slightly too long and ended in a rather awkward silence only broken by a slight cough from Niles."But seriously." He continued. "That wouldn't have been too bad, even though she was completely misused in Torchwood and made the author want to hit her with the subetheric resonator."

The teapot nodded and continued towards the kitchen, it was taking him a long time because he was a small brown china object and not a person and so by the time he had reached the kitchen door Ianto had already boiled the kettle and was rooting around in the cupboards for the coffee.

"There's no coffee in there." Said The Master, slyly. "You might as well just have tea."

Ianto smiled a little warily at the teapot, obviously still not used to talking to kitchen utensils. "The Face of Boe said you had some coffee though, do you know where it is?"

The teapot scowled at not being able to change the Welshmans mind. "It's in the shed." He muttered darkly, "Through the back door and at the bottom of the garden." He watched with a small smirk as Ianto looked round, located the back door, pulled it open and made to walk outside - only to freeze midstep.

He turned slightly with a quizzical look upon his lovely face. The Master who, if he had hands or a nail file, would be filing his nails in a nonchalont way looked up in mock surprise. "Why, whatever is the matter Welshchild?" He asked in a sickeningly bad attempt at sounding like he gave a crap.

Ianto looked outside again and shook his head. "I thought you said it was at the bottom of the garden?" He asked, wondering if this house had another backdoor somewhere.

"I did. That is the garden." Stated the teapot, turning to leave.

"Wait a.. That's not a garden! That's a huge forest!" Stammered Ianto.

"Yes." Said The Master with a smirk, "You go through the forest to get to the shed."

Ianto was beginning to lose his patience, which to be honest was rather understandable. He was supposed to be a guest at the house after all. "That doesn't make any sense!" He said angrily, "Who in the hell has a bloody forest as their back garden? What are you?! British aristocracy?"

"Nothing makes sense around here." Shrugged The Master, "As far as I knew, we were on a hill at the beginning of this story. I only noticed the forest the other day myself." He hopped out of the room, calling behind him. "Just follow the trail."

"Follow the trail." Grumbled Ianto, pulling the backdoor closed behind him as he stepped outside. "I'll follow the damn trail. Bloody crack fics." He shoved his hands in his pockets and began to follow the small dirt path into the dark forest. After a few minutes he really, really wished he had thought to put his iPod in his pocket.


End file.
